What Millennial Women Can Learn About Sex & Dating From Older Women
Advice from a Gen X’er to Millennial women.
I must tell you that I’m not a fan of generalizing an entire group of people. However, I am in a somewhat unique position as I volunteer for an organization that includes thousands of women between the ages of 18-34 and I know many of these women personally.
Research, as well as my personal observation, has shown me that there are some major issues with dating and relationship building for the Gen Y dater that could be potentially painful mentally, physically and spiritually.
As a Generation X’er and former serial dater, I’m laying out all my sex, relationship, and love advice on the table for those who say they don’t date:
1. Hooking up too soon spells for disturbing times ahead.
There is this notion that many millennials go for the quick sexual encounter, then it’s decided at some point whether there will be a relationship or not by both parties. In other words, one may or may not even know each other while these intimate acts are happening.
Interestingly, I still see women getting tremendously hurt by men when all of a sudden, they get slow faded (man makes excuses why he can’t see her again until she gets the hint) or even worse, ghosted (man is nowhere to be found). FYI, this isn’t new, you just have names for it now. We just called it “getting blown off.”
Isn’t it just a better idea to get to know each other for a while? Yes, women are now more bold, forthright, and kickbutt in the work place but we still have the same emotional makeup like it’s 1917. From Chuck Chapman of The Good Men Project:
“Consequently, emotional At a primal level, since sex leads to pregnancy, a woman seeks security as a means of survival for herself and her child. Thousands of years ago, a woman would depend on a man to provide her physical needs, such as food and shelter, for her and her children’s survival. Today women can certainly take care of themselves, but the echoes of evolution remain, leaving women with the desire for emotional safety. Safety and security are vital for a woman to feel emotionally connected to a man.”
So keep those cute rompers and short skirts down ladies and wait it out until you truly feel comfortable in your own soul before allowing a man to get inside your pants and your heart.
2. Instant gratification works well when you have to pee, not when you’re dating.
Make it happen. No waiting. Quick-fix. We are so used to having it now and just can’t wait for, well, anything. As a Gen X’er, I still get it — I’m as impatient as the next person but there is merit to slowing things down a bit with a man.
An old boss once told me, “You don’t stop and smell the roses, you run right past them.” That really affected me because I realized that I was probably missing out on many opportunities. I began to think that maybe I overlooked learning valuable information about life, meeting new people and maybe even meeting the right guy.
Slow. It. Down.
It’s cool to be able to get what we want now but shows like The Bachelor and even worse, The Spouse House, lead us to believe that this is the new norm for finding love. Sure it works for a few, but not the majority.
Loving partnerships take time — time to get to really know each other, to figure out if we’re a good match and if our needs and wants are compatible.
3. Get off the damn phone, there’s a person sitting in front of you.
“Nearly four in 10 millennials (39 percent) say they interact more with their smartphones than they do with their significant others, parents, friends, children or co-workers, according to a survey of more than 1,000 people…by Bank of America,” according to Catey Hill of Market Watch.
“I think using the phone is great for many informational situations and keeping up with friends and family. It’s even a great way to begin conversation between you and a potential guy but where do you draw the line? When do you get off the phone and start making deeper connections?
Em and Lo from The Huffington Post say:”You might think, with all of this new technology allowing people to connect and stay in touch via websites, apps and texting, that communication about romantic expectations and assumptions might be better than ever. You’d be wrong. While these terms are widely used by this generation, they are still incredibly ambiguous, and different people have their own, different definitions. This often leads to total confusion and misunderstanding.”
There cannot be enough said for being face to face with a potential lover — using your five senses and even better, mastering the use of your intuition. Your gut is your finest tool to know what’s best for you and you simply can’t do that staring down at a phone.
4. Sure, hang out in groups, but move forward at some point.
Oh, the infamous group date and even worse, going to formal events in groups. No, just no please.
Why are we letting guys off the hook so easily? Now, I’m all for showing your independence, ladies, especially if you don’t have anyone you want to hang out with but this is a slippery slope into the friendship zone.
Both genders need to step up at times. If a guy wants you, he has to show you. At the same time, we, women, need to step back and allow him to pursue us. It will help you recognize if he is really into you or not.
Don’t go overboard, just don’t give yourself away. My husband still pursues me at times and it feels really good.
5. A man likes a classy woman — no matter men say.
A man wants to believe he’s got the greatest catch ever. He wants to be proud of you and it strokes his ego when you show your confidence. A whore in bed, a cook in the kitchen and a sweet, lovable flower to bring home to mom.
Yes, being friends first is important but jumping into bed right away is not being friends — no matter what people tell you. It’s simply too intimate an act for that and you have to admit, you know you’ve been hurt when it doesn’t work out.
So if you must be bold and he wants to get together, ask him where you both are going when you hang out. And the answer is not his bedroom. Never chase either — it’s so desperate.
Why you ask? Here it is from a man’s perspective. Eric Charles, in an interview with Katherine Hahn at Marie Claire, says, “Meanwhile, from the guy’s perspective, she transforms from the fun-loving, easy-to-be-around woman into Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. I’ll tie it all up: When people chase, they drain the color and joy from their lives.”
6. Are you and others really being yourselves, Tinder-girl or Bumble-boy?
You’re certainly not the only generation using online dating. The problem is that it’s not actually working that well for you. Pew Research Center found that only 5 percent of Americans who are married or in a long-term relationship met their partner online.
As much as Millennials share online, they still don’t trust it to find love. They also reveal that a third of online daters have never actually gone out with someone they met online. So what’s the deal?
So it seems with hundreds, even thousands of potential choices, you could find a great mate. Guess what, you have too many choices. When you go for ice cream and you see twenty flavors, you become stifled — Oreo, mint chocolate chip, or cookie dough? I’ll have all of them please.
When you’re offered chocolate or vanilla, it’s a clear, easy, quick choice and you’re often very happy with that choice. Too many options provide too much pressure to pick so you keep looking and looking.
Priya Parker, expert-in-residence at the Harvard Innovation Lab, calls this outlook FOBO — Fear of Better Options.
Millennials, says Parker, suffer from persistent anxiety about “the ones that got away. The more options we see, the more we fear we’ll choose the wrong one. Vogt quickly realized the downfall of online dating’s thick market: ‘I’d be so much happier…if I had almost no choice, and I could meet just one person and feel like I’d be happy with them.'”
And the lying people do on their profiles. No wonder we’re afraid to put ourselves out there. All 6’2 of him, educated with a fierce sense of humor and works out at the gym 5 times a week ends up being unemployed and living in his buddy’s basement.
Let’s meet through friends again like the good old days. Why? Because you can see him and pick up on his vibe. You have that initial level of trust because your friend knows him. You can put your guard down just a bit too.
7. You’re oversharing by putting it all out there and it’s backfiring.
What an eye opener! Instagram and Twitter are filled with the sharing of sexual escapades, openly brash comments about other’s genitalia, and how much we hate our ex. Anyone can just slide right or left; it should be easy to find someone.
However, all it’s doing is adding more concern and complication to the process.
Sometimes, the words or pictures on the screen can’t be erased. Yes, that happened ten years ago when you were young and stupid yet the computer doesn’t erase the past. It just allows everyone to watch your growth unfold over time.
And just maybe, not everyone needs to see every moment of your past. Some things are just better left unsaid and unseen.
You should not need to explain every little thing you have ever done. You’re all grown up now and we all make weird decisions when we’re young. But it’s not going away so either prepare to deal with it or perhaps just stop posting every random thought that comes to mind.
The bottom line is this. A man wants what he’s always wanted — a woman who is beautiful in his eyes, who has confidence, classiness, and intelligence. He wants someone who enjoys life and is happy with herself — and him.