7 Epic Hookup Stories
Very seldom do you have such an epic hookup experience it barely feels real, but at that moment it’s absolutely fantastic. If you are mid-hook-up and the sex is so bomb that you can practically hear ’70s porno music in the distance, then congrats: you have officially entered the hook-up hall of fame.
Fortunately for you, I have some pretty lucky friends and acquaintances. After listening to some entertaining stories shared by some people I know, I had to chronicle some of them for the internet’s entertainment. Stories like this are just too damn good to go unshared with the masses.
So, here are some of the most awe-inspiring, applaud worthy, epic af hook up stories that have ever graced my ears. I hope they inspire you to take some chances and have so pretty epic hook ups yourself.
That time a mermaid gave me head
“I was on vacation with my family, and we went to one of those fancy restaurants where they had a fish tank in the restaurant. As we’re waiting to be seated, I notice that girls are swimming around in the tank with full on mermaid tales. Okay cool, so dinner and a show, right?
And these girls are no joke; they’re like swimming around for really extended periods of time without coming up for air. Like, if they had a tip jar I would have probably dropped $5 in or something. Plus it helped that they were all smoking hot. And I imagine it’s tough to be hot when you’re swimming underwater with your eyes open. They had to be like 12/10s to still look like 10’s underwater.
We finish our meal, and the parents head back to the hotel while my cousins and I all went out. So we’re at this bar a few hours later and behold, two of those mermaid girls walks in. My cousin and I have to spit some game at them because they’re fucking mermaids. We crack some Little Mermaid jokes, laugh about how amazing it was they were walking on land. Somehow convince them to come over to our booth.
Our girl cousins are totally gushing over how fantastic their job is all the while the brown-haired mermaid is clearly feeling me. We start taking shots and dancing, and the brunette mermaid and I start making out.
A little while later the club began to empty out, so we decided to go back to our hotel. We had a separate room from our parents with a hot tub on the balcony, so we head out there for a while. The mermaid chicks get in the hot tub in their underwear (no big deal), and gradually our girl cousins got the cue to leave us alone. My cousin and the other mermaid go inside while brunette-mermaid and I started hooking up.
Out of nowhere, this chick decides to go down on me completely submerged in the hot tub. And that’s where her mermaid training came in. I swear that girl was underwater for at least two minutes before she came up to breathe. This easily went on for about 15 minutes before I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Keeping with the aquatic theme, we banged again in the shower before we finally went to bed around 5 am. She left without a trace in the morning, which inclines me to believe she was a literal mermaid.”
I totally went to cougar town, and it was awesome
“I’d just gotten back to the gym and was walking up the stairs to my apartment when I was blocked by a mattress on the stairs. A head popped out from behind the plastic wrapped mattress and apologized profusely for blocking the stairs. She was probably in her late thirties to early forties and looked like one of those Hollywood actresses that barely age, but do so very well. I – being a total gentleman – asked if she needed any help. She quickly accepted, and I helped her move the thing up to her new apartment.
She grabbed a couple of beers from her fridge, and we both sat down on the mattress in front of the AC. We talked about how she was new in the area and how she was recruited to take some new job at this huge company. I talked about my endeavors in grad school and my plan to get my Ph.D. What started out as very polite conversation eventually became very casual and comfortable. We finished our beers and cracked open another. When she came back to sit down next to me after grabbing a couple more beers, I swear she sat down closer to me, allowing her thigh to press against mine.
I was admittedly a little buzzed as I’d just gotten back from the gym and hadn’t really had much to eat other than breakfast, so when she touched my thigh, I didn’t hesitate. I took her beer, set it on the ground next to mine, and kissed her square on the mouth.
We banged right there on the plastic covered mattress.
Occasionally, I see her coming home from work or leaving for the gym, and we’re always very friendly. We’ve actually hooked up a few times since. I’m so glad my commute to cougar town is only a couple flights of stairs long.”
When a cop gives you some key sex advices
“I was seeing this really adventurous girl during my junior year of college. We were on campus walking around one night after a date, and we got a little more buzzed on this date than initially intended. It was kind of late in the evening and campus was pretty empty.
We sat down on a bench and started getting hot and heavy. A group of freshman definitely saw us practically humping on this bench and were not so subtle about seeing us. I wasn’t worried about it until someone threw a condom at us. While I’m sure that little shit meant well, I was irritated, and we were forced to relocate.
We’d already been caught so we decided there would be no harm in hooking up in a little more of a noticeable area. So, that’s exactly what we did.
Out of all the noticeable places on campus to have sex we chose to bang on the steps of the administration building. I’d done more hooking up in college than protesting – which I feel like is a right of collegiate passage – so I figured this was my proverbial ‘fuck you’ to ‘the man.’
Things were going great until we found ourselves in a literal spotlight. A campus cop had caught us doing the dirty.
This girl dismounted so fast, and I started stammering thinking of how we were going to get out of these. We were both (somewhat) respectable college students, we didn’t need to be branded as sex offenders for the rest of our lives.
But this cop literally just suggested a couple of other places on campus to bang that were a little more secluded and went on his way. I swear to god he would have fist bumped me had not my girl been on the verge of tears.
Utterly speechless, we basically ran back to my apartment… and proceeded to fuck on the front lawn.”
They say you can’t step on the crest, not that you can’t have sex on it…
“On the BU campus, there is a tradition where you cannot step on the crest in the middle of campus or else you won’t graduate. There are some other universities with similar traditions but I – being a skeptic – don’t believe in that kind of stuff. I was visiting my sister at BU and had been hooking up this guy who was a little more superstitious than me. So, naturally, I tried to convince him to step on the crest.
This guy was not only in a frat – which meant he was basically conditioned to be a sheep – but a straight-A engineering student; to put it in plain words this guy’s worst nightmare was not graduating. Unfortunately for him, I’m a total sadist and was determined to drag him onto that crest. And I totally did it. How? By dangling sex over his head.
We had only hooked up a handful of times as we were both very busy with school and I figured that I could still use sex as a motivator. So after a night of drinking, we were walking back to his dorm, and I tried to convince him to step on the crest. After standing right next to the thing for around 20 minutes arguing, I blurted out that we should have sex on the crest.
I mus have appealed to the frat boy in him because next thing I know I’m straight up riding him on the crest. We both got an epic hook up story, and I proved him wrong as he did graduate, in 4 years no less.”
– Rachel, 26
“If I hooked up with an olympian, does that mean I gold medal in sex?”
“Okay, so I’m up in the club with some friends while we’re in Cancun. The club is barely lit, and it’s around 11, but that’s because mainly Europeans come here and for some reason, Europeans don’t go out until maybe midnight, sometimes later. However, the best time about getting to the club at a reasonable hour is that they’ll give VIP booths to any cute girls.
So me and my ladies have this little booth right by the dance floor, we order a bottle, and start getting the party started as much as we can. About a half hour later things start to pick up, and two Mexican guys are seated next to us. They’re dressed very nice, but still casual, and are clearly very in shape. Knowing that a lot of insanely wealthy Mexicans vacation in this city, my gold-digging friend is almost instantaneously talking to them.
I, trying to babysit my friend, join the conversation and honestly they were even hotter close-up. I turned to talk to the guy my friend hadn’t started to talk to (we’ll call him hot-guy), and we definitely started vibing. Despite the fact we were all trying to communicate in broken Spanglish, we all were really starting to get along. A few more of their friends come up, and our booth is beyond lit. We start doing shots and dancing, and I notice hot-guy is totally into me. So I down a shot and make some moves.
We’re getting really close on the dance floor, and I am loving it, because let’s be real American guys can barely move their hips and that is most certainly not the case when it comes to Mexican men. We partied like Europeans and ended up leaving the club around 2 or 3 in the morning, and we decide to head back to their hotel (mostly because it seemed like they made a whole lot more money than all of us put together). Back in their room, we’re hanging out on this massive veranda attached to their room and me, and hot-guy are making out.
We go back to his room and have some pretty great sex. In the morning we started to hook up again, and I notice a tattoo that I didn’t see last night. He has the Olympic rings tatted on his arms over a pair of soccer cleats and the words “Rio 2016″. So at this point, I realize I’ve fucked one of the best soccer players in the world, which easily was the highlight of my vacation.
I don’t know if the tattoo made me biased but I’d say the sex in the morning was a little better than the night before. We went out a couple more times with that group of guys and usually were treated very well wherever we went. We got to be soccer groupies for a week in paradise, and it was amazing. I still occasionally talk to hot-guy. Anytime I need a confidence boost I just think about my Olympic sexcapades.”
*Names changed for privacy, stories edited for clarity.